Thursday, August 24, 2006

I went to the Angels/Boston baseball game yesterday --- having told several people that I had tickets to see the Red Sox lose. It seemed a safe prediction, given their recent appalling level of play, but 'twas not to be --- despite the Boston team's valiant efforts to give the game away, the Angels refused to take it, ending the evening with eleven men left on base. This did, however, yield an ample display of Rally Monkey related scoreboard video, as the Angels' game presentation team madly tried to spark some decisive effort from the team on the field --- including a mock movie trailer cobbled together from old Airplane scenes and Rally Monkey footage, entitled "Monkeys on a Plane".

And this, my friends, is where they went wrong. Because the monkeys are not on the planes. They are inspecting baggage going onto the planes, in the employ of Homeland Security Theater. So, with the new, stricter baggage regulation policies now in effect to make you feel safer (whether or not you actually are), a few rules for dealing with them:

  • If you are packing liquid soap, in checked baggage because it won't show up on carry-on, expect them to uncork the dispenser, take out a bit to check what it is, and then leave the plunger free to move when they put it back in the bag, so that subsequent baggage handling will push out more soap. Mmmmm... soapy chocolate.
  • If you pack any device that they have not seen before, they will tear it apart trying to figure out what it is, even if it is plastic, an X-ray reveals no metal components, and there is plainly no room for an explosive charge big enough to wake a sleeping gerbil. They will then haphazardly shove the components back into the baggage. Maybe you can figure out how to put it back together (or how to make a working device from the subset of pieces you have left!)

And remember, citizens consumers, it's for your protection! Be grateful!


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