Citizens of America, rejoice! Your government is keeping you safe from Yusuf Islam!

Critics may cavil. At home, port security may be utterly neglected. Abroad, like the swallows returning to Capistrano, the Taliban may be returning to Afghanistan. But some threats are waning, and foremost among these is the threat posed to Americans by Yusuf Islam!

That's right! When American officials discovered that a plane from Britain was carrying Yusuf Islam, the plane was diverted, and Islam -- the singer formerly known as Cat Stevens -- was seized and detained, as his name was on the terrorist watch list! His mellow pop stylings will torment you no longer! Rejoice!